Sunday, March 26, 2006

So this is Sunday...

Yum. BB bounce at 1.30pm on a Sunday afternoon. Shiner's been howling into the hallway since 5 o'clock in the morning ie an hour after I got to sleep, and Templeton is out of town, so I let him curl up with me in bed except he keeps on piercing his claws into me. My hair smells like a Chinese basketball stadium and I sound like Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother. I believe I also have two new blisters on my little darling toe, and I feel like what I had for dinner last night - a giant tortilla.

There is something remarkably unpleasant about cleaning up cat poo with a spliting head ache. But I am pleased at least that they urinated on John Howard's picture printed on the newspaper which I deliberately lined their poo box with.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Hen's Night Now

The Baroness Reporting Live from Alice's Hen's Night

5.59pm – Where are you in the Pecking Order?

Its amazing how quickly the restaurant is filled between 5.59 and 6.13. Everyone looks absolutely HOT particularly compared to the pimply wait-staff behind the bar. Alice has soon-to-be ruined nice hair and a red flashing sash with “Bride To Be” written on it. She can’t wait mate. Mel gives us bright shiny tiaras. Exchanges of formalities and confusion about ordering ensues. Spit flies in the air as girls gasp when Craig Mottram falls onto the track and get trampled over by other runners (El Rancho is also a family friendly sports bar). Alice is wisked away by her mum Trish so we could have a little briefing from Isabel about this evenings events. Heh heh heh!! My giant tortilla arrives and I temporarily forget about the fat content in my mash. The wine is awful. I believe the late person who did not check their email about change of dinner time is once again Truc. I excuse myself again for having to squeeze past Mel and Kath’s chairs. I enter the toilet to find that the toilet seat of one of the cubical has completely fallen on to the ground.

8.10 pm – The Rooster Is On Fire

We are sitting upstairs in another wholesome Manuka establishment. I've never seen this many giggling women in one room before, except for the last time my mother made dumplings. I believe I smell smoke but I down my red bull and vodka anyway, calmly sussing out how I could make it down the fire exit without being trampled over. Suddenly an officer from the ACT Fire Service arrives and... [The following section of the report has been removed to uphold the high level of broadcasting standards in this magnificent country]

8.40pm – Feathering Up

We are sooo pumped after the false fire alarm. Mel and Toni administers 20 questions with Alice – ie. A test on how well she knows Chris, on things like favourite colour, food, position, pets and children. Every question she gets wrong she has to wear a piece of embarrassing item. Turns out that Chris has deliberately or otherwise LIED in most of his answers and he will be getting a thrashing when the Mrs gets home. In record speed Alice is donned in a) an oversized bra with lollies sawn on it so she could offer it to men to eat it off her b) lots of head gear c) feather boa d) aviators e) balloons stuffed inside her bra. I believe this is when I downed another redbull and vodka.

9.02pm – The Birdcage is Broken

Upon hearing that the Moonlight Bus has arrived, the girls pour onto the street from the said wholesome establishment. We kiss Trish and those not continuing onto The Journey with us goodbye and patrons in Manuka are quite shocked by the noise and size of the entourage. The chaperon on the bus is a middle aged bloke called Glen. I have never seen anyone more like a blueberry than he does. Glen gives us very very cheap champagne in plastic cups and we all accept in delight. Although very comfortable, the Moonlight bus is a bit boring in its aesthetics, I would personally decorate it like Pricilla Queen of Desert. Alice is at the front leading the charge. We demand loud music and gets it. The rowdiness eases down the drink and I get a top up. We hoon down The State Circuit. First stop Third Degree – a cocktail bar right next to the inter-state bus depot where one goes for a drink when the bus is late or when you stupidly listens to the taxi company and checks in 1.5 hours prior to departure. A 21st is also happening. Some little rich girl has all her mates in cocktail dresses and is currently displaying her pony pictures and those of her and her rugby playing boyfriend on the projector. We get told off for being too noisy during the speeches. Matter of time really. No dancing but we are happy with two for one drinks and Alice has successfully rids a handful of lollies.

10.10pm- Migrating Southwards

Some blokes also “chartered” the bus – but they fit in quite well with us and just loving the attention they are getting. Alice tells them about true love. Lots of giggling is going on and my head is spinning. Carrie is speaking in an English accent. There is a big pack of policemen waiting for us at the end of Commonwealth Bridge and we are made to stop. The bus explodes into shrieks of excitement, most hoping that the officers are coming onboard to do a full monty. But no. It was still exciting though it would be more fun if we got into trouble. Yes and what about my spousal security clearance? We hoon past the tunnel. All I know is that we are currently in a suburb with lots of car yards, and the pub we are in is Irish and has“O'Shea” in its title some where. VERY COOL! It has a live cover band and lots of suburb folks and an empty dance floor. Some one trips over on the way to the dance floor and the rest floats in, again in giggles. It’s amazing how much one can giggle. Alice sells off more lollies and more of blokes buying her drinks and we shake a bit of our booties. I would walk 500 Miles. These chicks absolutely rock. I order four tequila shots, and the fantastic bar tender took these enduring images of my 8th ever Hens Night.

And I would walk 500 more. Iiiidddiiiyadda iiiddiiiyaaddaa iidddiiyaadaa yaaddaa lunddaa eyyy.

11.30 pm - Cockfight

We head back to town with more cheap and nasty champagne.
Blokes say they are going to do some research at another wholesome establishment called Sensations(?) and we get dropped off at Shooters. Urrggh this is quite nasty. More dancing ensues but the lack of space for my menouvers is a bit annoying. Alice knows the trick and heads onto the stage. Really annoying dude hits on me. Really annoying dude hits on Mirjiam. Really annoying dude doesn’t get the message so the other Alice and I tell him to FUCK OFF and he does. Such a shame that I didn’t have to resolve to wedging my heels into his toes. We rock. Young dude 1 plunges onto Young dude 2 and about 4 other young dudes wrestle into a big messy pile of limbs. Some one breaks their glass. And then a finger nail. Glen the chaperone ushers us out.

12.09pm – This Chick Is Too Young We arrive at ICBM the ultimate cowboy bar. Unfortunately I am the only person that could not get in due to incorrect ID (not fake, just not good enough) and I obviously don’t look like I’m going to turn 26 next week. Alice is pissed off about that a lot more than I am and boycotts ICBM and we do what looks like a strike outside. Glen is unable to get the bus here straight away so we dance on the pavement instead. Alice gives away more lollies. I loose most of my inhibitions and I pat Glen’s round tummy. Emma and Kath eats pizza.

1.05am – Back at the battery farm

What is left of us arrive back at the wholesome establishment in Manuka. Alice tells of various rabbit-like behaviour and we are all amused. We take advantage of our last lot of free cheap champagne and I scull about half a bottle. Nasty. Entourage flocks upstairs and its pretty amazing to think that this packed club was empty just five hours ago and the fireman was putting out fire just over there in the corner where now some kids are pashing away. This lot is a lot friendlier and Alice gets hugs from all over the place. We dance a bit more and I really don’t remember much from then. Toni and Jen challenges these chicks to a game of pool and they absolutely cane them. I don’t understand how I am still awake, but I am. We file out downstairs and line up for cabs. Last November I did it till 7. But hey, its not last November anymore.

3.00am – Nesting up and laying eggs

This is the stage of the night when beautiful people goes home to beautiful people and the not-so-beautiful people goes home with a kebab.

And WE ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL!
(only by default - the kebab place was closed.)

Friday, March 24, 2006

12 Days of My New Job

On the first day of my new job a nice young man come to wash the windows and I am also very impressed with the choice in plunger coffee.

On the second day of my new job I burn a really bad mark on the board room table

On the third day of my new job my computer kicks the bucket and I loose everything I anally saved

On the fourth day of my new job I move to another computer (and then another) along with all my files and mug (that was responsible for the burn mark) and highlighters and start life as a football. Although I wished I was a parallel bar instead - stick thin and groped all the time.

On the fifth day of my new job my new boss decides to buy me a new computer

On the sixth day of my new job I know my computer isn't suppose to arrive so I am ok with that
On the seventh day of my new job I watched the women's marathon and decided it was probably not a good idea that I do one myself

On the eighth day of my new job I go to another meeting and but I think of is orgasms and then I burn another mark on the board room table

On the ninth day of my new job my computer didn't arrive

On the tenth day of my new job my computer still hasn't arrived, but my new boss buys me (us) a custard tart to go with the kick-arse plunger coffee

On the eleventh day of my new job my computer finally finally finally arrives!

On the twelveth day of my new job my new computer is still working, and I think, I better stick around here eh.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Storm


Storm in Canberra today at 6.30pm. View from our backyard.

Since early February I had been engaged in a daily ritual of observing a decomposing pidgeon corpse on the top of the lane way between our house and the road (just behind the fence). First it was a lumpy dead bird with tussled greyed feathers, face up with its wings open. I almost tripped over it running out to the footpath. It was more of laziness in not having to clean it up rather than an obsession with death or forensics that I had started watching it. Then its eyes started hollowing out, and its muscles sinking into its chest. Ants and grubs moves in and infests. Dust blows over and dogs fondle it with their nose. Bones starts protruding and the feathers thins out. The pidgeon sinks into the ground, everything except its last feathers and a bulgy head you can hardly see. It stays that way for weeks and weeks and I wonder whether it could disintergrate further. Then today the rain came. The storm washes it all away.

Honey, I Blew Up The Rice Cooker

In the middle of cooking power-rice, it seems as though the 20 something rice cooker has given up on me. The bottom steel heat rim had been slightly dented and I had promptly ignored it and continued abusing my previledge of owning the rice cooker worth five dollars at the tzu-chi op-shop two years ago. The dented rim was not distributing heat properly and as time went by it was slowly burning through the bottom of the rice container. Today it managed to burn through the cooker metal, letting water seap through into the rim and the rest of the 'machine', causing a reaction between water and electricity, and eventually an explosion in the middle of my kitchen. As it died it sapped out some pussy black tears. In death, as it was in life, it was a machine with an unspeakable power I secretly feared but got such pleasure out of.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

WaWa's Whirlwind Week

4 - 5 March : How To Chew Betel Nuts

The Jungle Party - it all started and ended with my ample consumption of betelnuts, courtesy of Eunice, our friend from PNG whom got it off mates from Cairns. There are a few ok photo from the small dinner before hand, and a memorable one of The Commodore and Gal dressed as Gollywogs. ur hm.

How To Chew Betel Nuts
1) Cut betelnuts into halves or quarters, especially if you have a small mouth
2) Cut mustard roots into shorter chunks, especially if you are sharing with friends
3) Pop beteluts into your mouth and chew hard
4) Coat mustard roots in lime powder (burnt shells mixture) by wetting it with your saliva first
5) Eat that, and combine well in mouth
6) Wait for some magic to happen

7 -9 March: Vietnamese Noodle Soup

With my week off before starting my new job, I went up to Sydney to visit my aunt Mei Shiang & uncle Lin. They were pretty cool, they are devout Buddhists and used to run the Sydney chapter of the Tzu-Chi Foundation for a couple of years. I love their Japanese inspired deco in their little apartment. They took me to the best Vietnamese noodle house in Sydney (The Tan Than in Flemington) freeeeek'n lick'n good.

Vietnamese Noodle Soup
1) Work up a nice stock. For the lazy, cubes from your local VN shop will do. For the not so lazy, you will need to cook up a pot of beef bones, fat, chinese five spice, celery, onions, etc. Keep this boiling the whole time.
2) Prepare ingredience. For vegos, pretty straight forward things like fried oily tofu, bok choy, bamboo shoots. For meat eaters, prepare thinly sliced raw beef, cooked ox tails and/or tendons, some cooked roast beef, and meat balls. Obviously substitute whatever you feel like, for sea food options its best to have firmer fish none of the canned variety please.
3) Prepare staples of the Vietnamese, all raw: Bean sprouts, Vietnamese Mint, sliced chillis, lime wedges
4) In a seperate pot cook rice sticks - preferrably fresh. If fresh it only just needs a quick warm up with boiling water. If dried remember not to over cook by leaving it hot.
5) Place rice sticks in serving bowl. Top with key ingredience then pour stock over top - raw beef should cook nicely in a few secs. Then put staples on, with a dash of fish sauce.
6) Wait for magic

10 March: Vege Soup

I stayed with my mate Thomasen who has moved back to Sydney from a few years stint in Canberra. She's finished uni pretty much and looking for a job. Her parents house in Mosman is a fantastic little heaven with retro deco and a wonderful Australian art collection. Thomasen, her 18yo sister Tilley and I had a sesh eating vege soup at the table after a morning of cooking interesting potato cakes for Thom's party - which was a nightmare we just managed to save with a bit of ingenuity. Shopping in Mosman was a blast! I could not believe the quality of the clothes here. I am actually very very sick of the Sydney CBD shopping - its either extremely expensive and unaffordable stuff in the QVB/Pitt St area, or the tackiest sweatshop stock from China Town and Broadway. Mosman is just the right mix and affordable prices and I honestly have not had such a good time shopping for a long time.

Vege Soup
1) Boil up a cup of kidney beans or a mixture of beans, barley and lentils, but not thoroughly cooked
2) throw in some onions, celery, carrots, and can of tomato
3) boil up. Use a hand held blender to roughly blend the pulses - but still leaving them slightly visible. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!
4) Add salt, peper and a dash of italian parsley
5) serve with crsty bread spread with dejong mustard

11-12 March: Gormet Baked Beans On Toast

Templeton and I went sailing in Pittwater after Thom's party. On Saturday, after a wonderful breakfast of baked beans on toast cooked on The Kalitsah's trusty cabin stove, we took the girls out for a nice calm sail and a good swim near Coasters Retreat Bay.

Gormet Baked Beans on Toast
1) Open a can of baked beans and cook on medium-low heat
2) Slice thickly full grain bread, toast both sides with butter if desired
3) Pour baked beans on toast, top with a few slices of camenbert cheese
4) Sprinkle with some cracked pepper
5) Wait for magic

Saturday, March 04, 2006

The Jungle Party


Its our house warming today, woo hoo have been picking bananas and cracking coconuts all morning, very much looking forward to catching up with all my mates. Pictures from this evening to come when available.