GLASGOW 101: Jane's Bday Bash

Moooooooooooove ovahhhh Posh and Katie, cos Jane's 'Welcome to Glasgow' Birthday Party has definitely upstaged your meekly little 'Welcome to LA' Party'. reporting live...

1) 10:05 am. Barras Market
Despite heavy storm warnings and reports of danger lurking in the streets, a large and growing group of party goers mainly from the pro-Scot colony of New Zealand set off early on Saturday morning into the unknown of Barras Markets, their first stop of a weekend long education about Glaswegian life.

Yes, this is definitely a B grade or worse version of Paddy's Markets in Sydney. Think plastic guns, pirating, passed use by date food, deep fried mars bars, bones for your dogs, ginger wigs on pom pom hats, backyard fudge etc etc etc. My outfit today tried to replicate the French Revolutionaries, in honour of the Parisians I left behind a few days ago. However, perhaps due to the largest number of kiwis I've seen in four months, I ended up feeling a bit like Jake the Muss and low and behold was mistaken as Jeff da Maori by one of the locals almost immediately.

2) 11.34am. Mission Impossible

They were then given a list of tasks whilst in the underground system to undertake in order to familiarise themselves with fine Scottish traditions such as music, attire, beverage, theatre and, of course, procreation.

Ok, so I am thinking the dead baby scene and no probs with number 5 cos I have my lucky undies on. Will work on the others for now. NB: ginger is pronounced 'gh (as in gh in gherkin) ing - ah' in NZ.

3) 12.29pm The Primo Kelvingrove Museum and Art Gallery

The party goers attended a self guided tour of Kelvingrove Museum and Art Gallery, one of the oldest and finest institutions for historical and cultural preservation in Scotland. They were treated to an organ concert worthy of a standing ovation.

This must be where they keep all the heads of Englishman they chop off... Highlights for me were a) the giant prehistoric moose, b) Robert Burns's sexual exploits exhibition c) the very very large key to a chastity belt. ouch.

4) 1.45pm The Pub Meal & Whisky

A light lunch at the local pub, another old and fine institution of Glasgow, took place at The Primary, followed by even older and finer whisky at the Uisge Beathe. A small break away group then terrorised local children at the Kelvingrove Park with decomposing leaves. A young Glaswegian lad also reported a missing ice cream. So far no arrests have been made but those withholding information are encouraged to come forward.

Meat-and-three-vege. Excellent. But my hang over from the night before was starting to catch up with me after the first drink of the day and I don't remember much of the next three hours. Except for that I was teased. On the way through to the next of many pubs to follow we staged an amusing rendition of the breakfast scene from Trainspotting at the park as no one else was keen on sourcing a prop as a dead baby. Nevertheless, tick one.

5) 6.20pm Guinness World Record Haggis

A locally sourced and produced portion of haggis was then sampled by the revelers at The Goat and an environmentally friendly method of cleaning was employed for the silvery. The incredible amount of kilojoules provided by this fine Scottish staple led the party goers to perform what is known in the Southern Hemisphere as the 'Bird Dance' in the middle of busy traffic. No kiwis were killed.

Next thing I knew a very very very large portion of haggis preordered by Jane was served and demolished within 3 minutes and 43 seconds. It was so creamy, fatty, salty and good that we did some spoon and plate licking. I weep over the fact that I was completely cheated on my first afternoon here by eating that big piece of deep friend mongrel haggis served in the alley way behind Buchanan Street. I believe this was when the idea of an invisible bagpipe orchestra was first floated. Tick two.

6) 8.00pm Dooon a Booorkie
Soon after 8pm in the evening, an alleged male Australian was seen purchasing and distributing swig-fulls of an infamous local fortified wine commonly known as Buckfast to under aged female near the junction of Byres Road and Argyle Street in the well reputed West End neighbourhood by a motorist.

Woo hoo finally found some Buckfast!! Tick three. It actually tastes ok.

7) 9.00pm Ashton Lane
Unfortunately our reporter was barred from entering the Brel in Ashton Lane and lost the party goers for the rest of the evening and unable to complete the rest of the report.

Ashton Lane: we came here to drink a bit more and check out the cool kids. Head nodding Cooool. And enjoyed a bit more of that Scottish rain in the beer garden.

8) 11pm Cutting some kiwi shapes at Otago Street Yep this is a pretty hardcore house party. Best and hardest I've seen for about five months. I was almost about to give the Party-hard award to Canadians on this trip but I think Kiwis are back in the game. Jane you out did yourself, and kudos to the DJ and the hosts (Rachael, Lucy & Don) particularly for putting up with the mirror shattering, bathroom trashing, pizza passing and kilt peeping (oh, tick four) antics. There may even have been some homesick tears in my eyes as we head-banged to the beat of 'Victoria' by the Exponents, but I know I am really becoming to love Scotland. Ahh haa haa, even got a scottish battalion flag as a prize!!

And I'll leave tick five to your vivid imagination.