Have Yourself a Merry Little Hen's Night Now

The Baroness Reporting Live from Alice's Hen's Night

5.59pm – Where are you in the Pecking Order?

Its amazing how quickly the restaurant is filled between 5.59 and 6.13. Everyone looks absolutely HOT particularly compared to the pimply wait-staff behind the bar. Alice has soon-to-be ruined nice hair and a red flashing sash with “Bride To Be” written on it. She can’t wait mate. Mel gives us bright shiny tiaras. Exchanges of formalities and confusion about ordering ensues. Spit flies in the air as girls gasp when Craig Mottram falls onto the track and get trampled over by other runners (El Rancho is also a family friendly sports bar). Alice is wisked away by her mum Trish so we could have a little briefing from Isabel about this evenings events. Heh heh heh!! My giant tortilla arrives and I temporarily forget about the fat content in my mash. The wine is awful. I believe the late person who did not check their email about change of dinner time is once again Truc. I excuse myself again for having to squeeze past Mel and Kath’s chairs. I enter the toilet to find that the toilet seat of one of the cubical has completely fallen on to the ground.

8.10 pm – The Rooster Is On Fire

We are sitting upstairs in another wholesome Manuka establishment. I've never seen this many giggling women in one room before, except for the last time my mother made dumplings. I believe I smell smoke but I down my red bull and vodka anyway, calmly sussing out how I could make it down the fire exit without being trampled over. Suddenly an officer from the ACT Fire Service arrives and... [The following section of the report has been removed to uphold the high level of broadcasting standards in this magnificent country]

8.40pm – Feathering Up

We are sooo pumped after the false fire alarm. Mel and Toni administers 20 questions with Alice – ie. A test on how well she knows Chris, on things like favourite colour, food, position, pets and children. Every question she gets wrong she has to wear a piece of embarrassing item. Turns out that Chris has deliberately or otherwise LIED in most of his answers and he will be getting a thrashing when the Mrs gets home. In record speed Alice is donned in a) an oversized bra with lollies sawn on it so she could offer it to men to eat it off her b) lots of head gear c) feather boa d) aviators e) balloons stuffed inside her bra. I believe this is when I downed another redbull and vodka.

9.02pm – The Birdcage is Broken

Upon hearing that the Moonlight Bus has arrived, the girls pour onto the street from the said wholesome establishment. We kiss Trish and those not continuing onto The Journey with us goodbye and patrons in Manuka are quite shocked by the noise and size of the entourage. The chaperon on the bus is a middle aged bloke called Glen. I have never seen anyone more like a blueberry than he does. Glen gives us very very cheap champagne in plastic cups and we all accept in delight. Although very comfortable, the Moonlight bus is a bit boring in its aesthetics, I would personally decorate it like Pricilla Queen of Desert. Alice is at the front leading the charge. We demand loud music and gets it. The rowdiness eases down the drink and I get a top up. We hoon down The State Circuit. First stop Third Degree – a cocktail bar right next to the inter-state bus depot where one goes for a drink when the bus is late or when you stupidly listens to the taxi company and checks in 1.5 hours prior to departure. A 21st is also happening. Some little rich girl has all her mates in cocktail dresses and is currently displaying her pony pictures and those of her and her rugby playing boyfriend on the projector. We get told off for being too noisy during the speeches. Matter of time really. No dancing but we are happy with two for one drinks and Alice has successfully rids a handful of lollies.

10.10pm- Migrating Southwards

Some blokes also “chartered” the bus – but they fit in quite well with us and just loving the attention they are getting. Alice tells them about true love. Lots of giggling is going on and my head is spinning. Carrie is speaking in an English accent. There is a big pack of policemen waiting for us at the end of Commonwealth Bridge and we are made to stop. The bus explodes into shrieks of excitement, most hoping that the officers are coming onboard to do a full monty. But no. It was still exciting though it would be more fun if we got into trouble. Yes and what about my spousal security clearance? We hoon past the tunnel. All I know is that we are currently in a suburb with lots of car yards, and the pub we are in is Irish and has“O'Shea” in its title some where. VERY COOL! It has a live cover band and lots of suburb folks and an empty dance floor. Some one trips over on the way to the dance floor and the rest floats in, again in giggles. It’s amazing how much one can giggle. Alice sells off more lollies and more of blokes buying her drinks and we shake a bit of our booties. I would walk 500 Miles. These chicks absolutely rock. I order four tequila shots, and the fantastic bar tender took these enduring images of my 8th ever Hens Night.

And I would walk 500 more. Iiiidddiiiyadda iiiddiiiyaaddaa iidddiiyaadaa yaaddaa lunddaa eyyy.

11.30 pm - Cockfight

We head back to town with more cheap and nasty champagne.
Blokes say they are going to do some research at another wholesome establishment called Sensations(?) and we get dropped off at Shooters. Urrggh this is quite nasty. More dancing ensues but the lack of space for my menouvers is a bit annoying. Alice knows the trick and heads onto the stage. Really annoying dude hits on me. Really annoying dude hits on Mirjiam. Really annoying dude doesn’t get the message so the other Alice and I tell him to FUCK OFF and he does. Such a shame that I didn’t have to resolve to wedging my heels into his toes. We rock. Young dude 1 plunges onto Young dude 2 and about 4 other young dudes wrestle into a big messy pile of limbs. Some one breaks their glass. And then a finger nail. Glen the chaperone ushers us out.

12.09pm – This Chick Is Too Young We arrive at ICBM the ultimate cowboy bar. Unfortunately I am the only person that could not get in due to incorrect ID (not fake, just not good enough) and I obviously don’t look like I’m going to turn 26 next week. Alice is pissed off about that a lot more than I am and boycotts ICBM and we do what looks like a strike outside. Glen is unable to get the bus here straight away so we dance on the pavement instead. Alice gives away more lollies. I loose most of my inhibitions and I pat Glen’s round tummy. Emma and Kath eats pizza.

1.05am – Back at the battery farm

What is left of us arrive back at the wholesome establishment in Manuka. Alice tells of various rabbit-like behaviour and we are all amused. We take advantage of our last lot of free cheap champagne and I scull about half a bottle. Nasty. Entourage flocks upstairs and its pretty amazing to think that this packed club was empty just five hours ago and the fireman was putting out fire just over there in the corner where now some kids are pashing away. This lot is a lot friendlier and Alice gets hugs from all over the place. We dance a bit more and I really don’t remember much from then. Toni and Jen challenges these chicks to a game of pool and they absolutely cane them. I don’t understand how I am still awake, but I am. We file out downstairs and line up for cabs. Last November I did it till 7. But hey, its not last November anymore.

3.00am – Nesting up and laying eggs

This is the stage of the night when beautiful people goes home to beautiful people and the not-so-beautiful people goes home with a kebab.

And WE ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL!
(only by default - the kebab place was closed.)