The Great Wall Robbery of China - based on a real story

SCENE 1

(A Sunny but slightly polluted day, on a highway near Beijing City. A bus full of mainly Chinese tourists are listening to the announcement by the tour guide about housekeeping rules on a day trip to the Great Wall of China.)

(Chirpy road trip music dies and an announcement tone rings. Bing Bong!)

VULGAR BUS TOUR LADY A

Ladies and gentlemen,we will soon be collecting your fees for the tour today. Because you are individually booked customers through different travel agents, you may or may not find that your fees for the day differ from other passengers, do not fret my comrades. What ever was agreed with you when you booked will be what we will charge. You may also find that discounts for students, seniors and soldires no longer apply, as you are on a budget first class service to the Great Wall, we have cut all the trimmings off. If you have a problem with that please call your travel agent.

(VULGAR BUS TOUR LADY B collects money from passengers and eventually reach FOREIGN NATIONAL 1 and FOREIGN NATIONAL 2 sitting at the back of the bus)

VULGAR BUS TOUR LADY B
That would be a total of $190 for each of you on this budget tour of the Wall.

FOREIGN NATIONAL 1
Um, sorry? I thought it was $100 each for a first class tour of the Wall when I spoke to your guy on the phone. Didn't your friend say what ever the price was when we booked would be whatever we would be charged?

VULGAR BUS TOUR LADY B
Oh, there's an additional compulsory administration fee for a phone booking on top of that.

FOREIGN NATIONAL 1
I'm pretty sure your guy on the phone said there's no extra costs and for the first class tour we get an extra hour at the Wall plus a better lunch?

VULGAR BUS TOUR LADY B
Oh, no, we are taking you to a special Tibetan Art Gallery which wasn't mentioned in the ad. That's how much it costs to get in.

(FOREIGN NATIONAL 1 discusses briefly with FOREIGN NATIONAL 2 in an incomprehendable language.)

FOREIGN NATIONAL 1
Sorry, but we don't want to go there, we'll just wait for the rest of you outside. Anyway what's that got to do with admin for a phone booking?

(VULGAR BUS TOUR LADY B ignores FOREIGN NATIONAL 1 by flipping her nose to one side and walks off to the front of the bus and sits down.)

VULGAR BUS TOUR LADY A

Ladies and Gentleman we will soon be arriving at the Great Wall. Please ensure you keep your belonging with you at all times. Our visit at the wall will be short, so please ensure that you return to the bus in one hour. Your program may say its a three hour stop, but we have decided to cut the trip a little short because of the traffic conditions. Those of you that haven't made payments to us as yet, and I understand that there are two of you at the moment, please ensure you do so before we enter the Great Wall site. If you no longer choose to participate in our tour today, you may like to take a taxi back to Beijing near the West Gate which would cost you approximately $900.

SCENE 2

(A magnificent backdrop depicting the Great Wall of China appears, and a brick fort is now added at the back of stage centre. The passengers are off the bus and lining up to get into the site)

FOREIGN NATIONAL 1
Since everyone else on the bus has paid up did you want to sort out our fees now please?

VULGAR BUS TOUR LADY B
That would be a total of $190 for each of you on this first class tour of the Wall. I'll give you a discount, how about $160 each.

FOREIGN NATIONAL 1
I thought I agreed $100 each for a first class tour, let me talk to your manager.

(Crazy Chinese phone ring tone: cockadoodle doo wee wee, kerraaafff kerraaff wiing wiing.)

VOICE OF MANAGER

I'm terribly sorry madame, seems like our operator forgot to tell you about a compulsory stop at the Tibetan Art Gallery, it costs $150 to get in. I'm sorry that was not made clear to you last night, my most sincere apologies, OK? You wouldn't want to be stranded up there on your own or anything, would you now? My dear foreign guest?

FOREIGN NATIONAL 1
Well we are not going to go in there for this crazy price which you've made up anyway. We agreed $100 for the day full stop. Take it or leave it!

(VULGAR BUS TOUR LADY B snatches the phone from FOREIGN NATIONAL 1. )

VULGAR BUS TOUR LADY B
Look lady friend, if you don't pay up then you and your little American boy are not allowed to come back on our bus. It will cost you $900 to get back to Beijing on the taxi and without a group discount here it will cost you $90 to get in, so you better just give me the money and save yourself from all this trouble.

(FOREIGN NATIONAL 2 holds up a sign that says "I'm not a bloody American")

FOREIGN NATIONAL 1
Sorry but threatening me like this is not going to work. Back where I come from people do business with integrity and honesty.

(FOREIGN NATIONAL 1 holds up a sign that says "Shhh--I'm from Taiwan")

VULGAR BUS TOUR LADY B
Fine! Give me the bus fare for the way here and you are welcome to leave. That will be $70 each.

(A PASSENGER interrupts the conversation and diverts VULGAR BUS TOUR LADY B away from talking to FOREIGN NATIONAL 1 & FOREIGN NATIONAL 2)

(FOREIGN NATIONAL 2 holds up a sign that says "I think we should just skive off now." and points at it towards audience. FOREIGN NATIONAL 1 & FOREIGN NATIONAL 2 walks into the Complaints Office manned by POLICE OFFICER and TOURIST HELPER LADY. )

FOREIGN NATIONAL 1
Ni hao there. Could you help us please? Our tour operators are trying to charge us like double the amount we agreed previously.

TOURIST HELPER LADY
No problems, Madame. It happens all the time, even to our own local tourists. Don't give them any money, not even the bus fare. It will cost you $26 to enter the wall, and another $12 on the bus back to Beijing, you can take a $40 taxi to another stretch of the wall near here if you want to see more of it.

(FOREIGN NATIONAL 1 & FOREIGN NATIONAL 2 breaks into cheers and proceeds to the line to get up to the Wall. VULGAR BUS TOUR LADY A and VULGAR BUS TOUR LADY B approaches in a huff.)

VULGAR BUS TOUR LADY A
Hey! Gimme the money for the bus you dirty bitch.

FOREIGN NATIONAL 1
Um, don't think so. The lady in the Complaints Office said that we don't have to give you a cent, you liar.

VULGAR BUS TOUR LADY B:
We're not liars! Give us the money.

(FOREIGN NATIONAL 2 makes a funny face at VULGAR BUS TOUR LADY A & VULGAR BUS TOUR LADY B)

FOREIGN NATIONAL 1
Ok, come sort it out with the Complaints Office with me then.

(FOREIGN NATIONAL 1 waves them over to Complaints Office.)

VULGAR BUS TOUR LADY A:
Hey, why did you tell her that we are liars?

TOURIST HELPER LADY
Excuse me, I didn't say you were liars.

VULGAR BUS TOUR LADY B
Yes you did, she said you did.

FOREIGN NATIONAL 1
No, I said you were liars. Proving my point exactly you stupid liar.

VULGAR BUS TOUR LADY A
Then give us the bus fare then.

TOURIST HELP LADY
Look that's quite enough, please treat our American guests with some respect and dignity. You are causing us to loose face.

(FOREIGN NATIONAL 2 holds up sign in protest "For the last time, I'm not a bloody American." POLICE OFFICER opens the door of the Complaints Office and ushers VULGAR BUS TOUR LADY A and VULGAR BUS TOUR LADY B out to stage right. VULGAR BUS TOUR LADY A, VULGAR BUS TOUR LADY B and all Bus Passengers exit stage right.)

(FOREIGN NATIONAL 1 & FOREIGN NATIONAL 2 breaks breaks into song as they walk up to the top of the Great Wall. )

FOREIGN NATIONAL 1 & FOREIGN NATIONAL 2

Who's afraid of the Big Bad Wolf, Big Bad Wolf, Big Bad Wolf?
Who's afraid of the Big Bad Wolf? la la la la laaaah!

We'll blow off your paper tiger wigs
Cos you're a bunch of lying pigs
For we have this Wall that's built of bricks
So up your arse and fuck your tricks"

CAST
Now that we are real men, we can say that
real men at that
For Chairman Mao once said on these great hills
You are not a real man
You are not a real man
Till you've climbed
Till you've climbed
The Greeeeeeeaaaaat Wall!"

(Curtain falls)