Dear Santa

Dear Santa

I realise that I have never actually written to you before, so I apologise if my correspondence may come as a bit of a shock – as I am sure you are probably more used to hearing from those few obsessive types.

Well, what prompted me to write to you? Boredom really. I was in the post office the other day (dropping off my new employer’s boxes of Christmas cards which I stuffed and licked and swore at one by one) and I saw that they’d set up this crazy mail box for you so I thought I might as well give it a go. My parents were (and still are) atheists so writing to you was kinda not cool when I was growing up, but now that I am an adult, who I write to is really my business. Maybe this will really piss them off. Heh heh. But’uh - never know what’s going to land in the fireplace on the 25^th anyway so…see what happens.

So I’m imagining that I am sitting comfortably on your lap and saying this aloud - what do I want for Christmas? (by the way, at our house we don’t do Christmas either, and I am not a Christian yet, but I had a Christian teacher in the first year we came to NZ and she insisted that we spelt Christmas like Christmas and not with an X. As a sign of respect for other people’s beliefs I still maintain that this quite important).

I am actually quite happy with most of the materialistic things around me – enough fashion, cuisine, entertainment/leisure, IT, enough to make the quality of my life quite comfortable. Even my beer gut is getting flatter. Plus I am very likely to go abroad again in the new year (fingers crossed) so extra trinkets would actually be quite unhelpful. In fact I think you should stop giving people ‘stuff’ for Christmas cos all this unnecessary consumption is bad for the environment. People just have too much shit they don’t want or need just to keep you in your job. And if you absolutely must do it I think you should at least do it without the wrapping. One thing that pisses me off is bio-undegradable packaging – eg. What the fuck is with those individually wrapped sushi you see around places these days. Anyway enough patronising.

Spiritually I think I am at an OK place, I can’t ask for more given the circumstances. I think I did well this year, enriching myself with memorable experiences and inspirations from random places in the world, so I am well placed to use it well and make a good start to next year. It would be nice if I have a permanent ok-paid kick-arse job in my field in a kick-arse city in the Northern hemisphere, but I know I only deserve what I work for and I am happy just stuffing envelopes for the summer in Ham West if that’s what I should be content with for now, you know? I am not lacking too much on the orgasm front either, and the "right man" right now would be quite complicated, if you know what I mean. At least Freak4 has stopped calling. You’ve obviously been watching out for me *wink*. And family – well, each of them will have to write to you themselves I think. I’ve done what I can within my mental capacity. No more shoes for Ann is all I am suggesting.

Given that you are quite well connected with the postal and travel world I’d actually quite like to find out what happened to the parcel that I sent myself from China in September – its now December and if you know which one of your elves has mistakenly presented it to the wrongful owner – PLEASE COULD I HAVE IT BACK. It has a very beautiful blue sari, pair of silk clots, battery operated glowing red horns and a tattered scarf in it. And if you happen to also be talking to the Qantas Airways staff member who TOOK MY BRAND NEW 8GB IPOD NANO OUT OF MY CHECK-IN LUGGAGE AT EITHER BRISBANE OR CANBERRA AIRPORT ON JANUARY 21 2007 – tell him or her to go fuck themselves because their management obviously don’t want to have the pleasure of doing that on my behalf.

Then I wouldn’t mind if you could remind those people that have lost contact with me to give me a bell because I would really like to hear from them. No questions asked.

Last but not least, I was wondering if you could track down the little boy in Cox’s Bazaar in Bangladesh I met back in August, I made him cry… you know the one? That’s one thing I haven’t really lived down this year. I hope he’s survived the cyclone and that he is ok. Could you please help him find a mum, because he deserves the kind of love that strangers and aid workers can’t give. The kind of love that only mothers can give, unconditionally and eternally. And that I am really sorry that I am not that person but I send my blessings and that I think of him a lot. Keep him warm, fed, safe, happy, inspired, empowered… and not too shocked when he see you turn up next next next Tuesday.

Thanks mate. That’s all for now.

WaWa

p.s. Well, no p.s’s – cos I know you’re not actually married.