The Trip I've Dreaded All My Life To Take

So here I am, on a tarmak in Bangkok Airport, on my way back to Taipei. Ah Gong (my Grandfather)’s illness had gotten gradually worse and it is time for me to go home and be with him.

Death is a taboo in my culture, and especially in my family. It is only talked about by being implied, in euphemisms, hypotheses, analogies. I wish it was different but I don’t know any other way. So I have a problem confronting it, I feel immense pressure thinking about it, and I will have problems dealing with it. This is a difficult journey for me, every part of me hurts.

I’ve spent the last month or so being distressed as well as disengaged and displaced, there’s just been way too many distractions coming from different directions. I haven’t had time or the space to think ahead or think clearly. Although it was hard to pull myself away from London, at the same time, it will do me good, just some time with my family, some time away from the bustle, and stop procrastinating on dealing with the knots in my head. I am due back in two weeks, though I wish I could have more – I just hope I will get something out of it.

Spending half of my net worth on a plane ticket and it still isn’t even a direct flight. Fuck it! Battling my way through the chaos and bureaucratic incompetence that is Heathrow, I realised that I have picked up the unattractive English traits of grumpiness, impatience and sheer irreverence. But I haven’t felt the urge of taking it out on the strangers sitting next to me or those that are ‘just doing their job’ – so it looks like I still have self control.

The closer to home I get the more gloomy it feels. Bangkok is humid, dusty and grey and brown on this airy summer’s day, clouds are so low it feels like they are choking me. There is no space between earth and sky, thinking about the rest of my journey, I just can’t breath right now. Taipei is in fact in the middle of a massive typhoon and I don’t even know if I’ll be able to get in at all today. I don’t have an appetite for a pina colada, a prawn curry in lemon grass or a packet of individually wrapped durian candies. I just want to get home, be with people I should be with when they need me, and stop procrastinating from looking at my challenges in the eye.