When in Rome, do as the Romans do
- St Ambrose
In the morning I woke to the telling bells of the basilica, taking a light communion wafer (now with gluten free option) from the priest. I headed over to the Colosseum in a chariot, and proceeded to my assigned door according to my gender, race, class, and age after some burly security guard emptied the contents of my bag (he finds nothing but a bag of pigeon feed). I yell and jeer as I watched rag-clad slaves being ravaged by mammoths and sabertooth tigers. Oh the dust, sweat and blood!! Hang on, there's actually a more interesting fight between Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris just up on the upper west wing.
Suddenly I found myself in the royal stand as some governess. My royal charge played by Audrey Hepburn sitting beside me less than a minute ago had disappeared and picked up by some filthy journo played by Gregory Peck outside and whizzed away in a Vesper. I flipped onto the chariot (with no helmet) and charged behind them. As I was about to catch the little bastard Greg panics and Audrey's Gucci skirt is unfortunately splattered with gasoline and requiring her a wash in The Fountain. The two lovers embrace in their wet clothes as a very VERY large crowd of tourists cheered on, taking lots of happy snaps. I was blinded by the overwhelming flashes and dragged off into an awaiting ambulance. Donald Trump glares at me to the sound of 'you're fired' and I narrowly escaped having to be put on the next day's gladiator schedule.
I went home to dust off the dirt on my sandals and to rinse the blood off my toga. I walked past a row of fiats parked down stairs of my apartment with my sunburned skin glowing in the twilight. I ordered house spaghetti from a choice of 200 dishes in the dine and go, soaked in rich red tomato sauce and extra extra parmesan, washed down with a can of ice cold Peroni. As I relaxed to a spot of accordion, I realised I was actually eating cockroach soup and stumbled my way to the nearest vomitorium. Except in this glorious republic most people spend a lot of time at the back of some sort of long and winding que. This time the vomitorium is in the Sistine Chapel and the sign next to me says my waiting time is approximately 4 hours and 20 minutes.
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